Jokes like you can’t believe!!!

Fri, 1 Jul 2011 15:04:27 -0700

New blogs? New joke blogs?!?! You bet!!! They’re right here on my Somewhat Daily Monologue Joke Blog! Go there now! Read! Laugh! Send me dump trucks full of money!

Late Night In The Afternoon 3/6

Sun, 6 Mar 2011 20:59:19 -0800

OK, this blog was supposed to post several days ago, but I was in internet H E Double Hockey
A new law in New York says it’s illegal to have a dog tied up for more than three hours. However, the law is vague about any time limit if she’s hot.

A new study found that a small nuclear war could reverse the effects of global warming. Dear President Obama: Libya. Two birds, one stone: Hint, hint.

Thirteen Mexican troops have been arrested and charged with transporting drugs. The most shocking part of the story is that they only managed to catch THIRTEEN of them.

The internet went dark in Libya yesterday, but traffic at porn sites was stable. Like we always do, American men stepped in to pick up the slack and keep the world economy going.

Charlie Sheen has apparently said “Tiger Blood” one too many times; last night Elin Nordegren showed up and hit him in the head with a nine iron.

A new study says that teens and young adults are having less sex than they did a decade ago. Experts say this could be tied to another recent study that said teens and young adults are fatter than a decade ago.

Scientists say that a study using deep-water cameras has revealed how and where tiny ocean animals called Krill have sex. The study also reveals that scientists need to get a girlfriend.

Orange County, California announced the participants in the Festival Of Whales this week. Executives at Dancing With The Stars are threatening a lawsuit, claiming they already have a signed contract with Kirstie Alley.

63% of all web videos no longer require flash. However, 88% of all viewed web videos involved flashing of some kind.

Wait a minute: I thought the middle east didn’t want democracy?

A 500-foot Ferris wheel, which would be the tallest in the Western Hemisphere, may be built on the Las Vegas strip. Newly released ads on trucks in the city promise that by calling a 1-800 number, you can go “once around” for $500.

A recent U.S. News And World Report article tried to help people decide what kind of mortgage to obtain. Here’s a thought: How about going for the one you can afford?

Late Night In The Afternoon 2/26

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 18:33:09 -0800

They say it may snow in LA this weekend. Or Charlie Sheen may stay on his boat. Too soon to tell. OR Look on the bright side, at least in the 2012 election we’ll be able to say “Man, these guys are a couple of a-holes, but at least they’re not Charlie Sheen.” OR Maybe he was just a month or so early in headline grabbing for sweeps week.

Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago. In traditional Chicago fashion, Emanuel received 2.3 million of a possible 350,000 votes.

Famed fashion house Christian Dior suspended creative director John Galliano after he was accused of an anti-Semitic insult. Sources say Galliano is riding out the incident at close friend Mel Gibson’s place.

Anti-whaling activists' high-seas confrontations with Japanese ships forced Tokyo to cut short its annual Antarctic hunt for the first time. Activists say they had better success this year because they changed their boats to look like Godzilla.

Nick Jonas sang at a Motown party at The White House. I’m not sure hiring Nick Jonas for a Motown party is going to reassure those still wondering if Barack Obama is “black enough.” OR So now THAT’S been taken care of, let’s clean up those smaller issues like Wisconsin, Lybia, Mexico...and whatever other small items are still on the list.

An ice cream parlor based in London will make breast milk ice cream and says people should think of it as an organic, free-range treat. Conversely, their store in Los Angeles says you should think of it as “Inorganic, but big enough for casting purposes.”

Russia will send French warships they purchased to a chain of islands that are being claimed by Japan. Wouldn’t it be easier to save that cash and just surrender on their own?

The bones of the earliest North American human remains have been found in the Arctic, and are said to be 11,500 years old. Larry King said it’s an important find, and he’ll dedicate his upcoming comedy tour to the memory of his younger brother.

Researchers say that ancient megadroughts which lasted thousands of years in what is now the American Southwest could offer a preview of a climate changed by modern greenhouse gas emissions. Al Gore immediately said those ancient megadroughts were caused by SUV drivers.

X-rays showed that a New York pit bull swallowed a foot-long pipe. Following the X-rays, the dog was offered a three picture deal at Vivid Video.

Malaysian police arrested three men believed to be responsible for stealing 725,000 condoms. Why Wilt Chamberlains kids were in Malaysia is anyone's guess.

Home Depot recently announced they will be hiring 60,000 seasonal employees to help out this spring. Luckily for Home Depot, roughly 60,000 “applicants” regularly hang around in their parking lots.

“First, picture everyone in their underwear. Slow your breathing. Then yell your manifesto and aim just above the belly button.” -- Excerpt from “Public Speaking/Rampage Shooting: Overcoming Your Fear Of Crowds”

Late Night In The Afternoon 2/19

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 09:04:52 -0800

Federal authorities charged more than 100 doctors, nurses and physical therapists with Medicare fraud worth $225 million. Hearing this, Bernie Madoff scoffed “That’s it? Amateurs.”

Scientists say mastering a second language seems to delay getting Alzheimer's disease. O-say art-stay udying-stay anish-Spay. Erk-Jay.

Cleveland area official say 200 geese have died for unknown reasons along the shores of Lake Erie while others are struggling to hold their heads up. Frickin’ LeBron James.

Officials in Baghdad want the U.S. to pay $1 billion for damage done to the city. Unofficial response from the State Department apparently rhymes with “Schmo Schmuck Schyourself.”

A tuberculosis outbreak among workers at a Tennessee elephant sanctuary in 2009 is being blamed on one of the pachyderms. Which goes to prove the old saying “When having sex with an elephant, always wear a condom.”

Surgeons have removed a knife from the skull of a man who said it has been there for four years. Finally out of pain, the man said “That’s the last time I go on a wilderness hike with Dick Cheney.”

Men who start to lose their hair by age twenty are twice as likely to develop prostate cancer later in life. Man, talk about getting it in the ass twice.

The Minnesota House Of Representatives voted to lift the state’s ban on nuclear power. In other words, look out Canada. OR In a nearly unnoticed rider on the bill, they also voted to install a ban on Brett Favre. OR OK, Jesse Venture, Al Franken, and now this. I guess one out of three ain’t bad.

The United States government said it was assessing possible responses after Somali pirates hijacked a yacht with four Americans on board. The first thing they’re attempting to discern is who the four voted for; after that they’ll decide whether it’s in the budget to rescue them.

The husband of Julie Schenecker, who is accused of murdering their two teen-aged children because they talked back to her, said he plans to divorce her. He said he’s going to try and get “One more weekend of ‘crazy-lady sex,’” but after that he’s gone like the wind.

The Green River Killer has pleaded guilty to his forty-ninth murder. One more and he gets that free sub at Subway. As long as he remembers to get that card punched.

Belgian citizens marked 249 days without a government, a figure that they are treating as a world record in political waffling. Hearing the news, John Kerry vowed to regain his crown “As soon as is humanly possible. Or maybe not. I actually waffled longer first, before I stopped.”

Patients with head and neck cancer who continue to smoke while undergoing radiation treatments have a much lower long-term survival rate than those who stop. In other shocking news, those who aren’t kicked in the face experience lower level of pain than those who get kicked repeatedly. Who FUNDS this crap?

Scientists say there are fewer big fish in the sea than before. Single chubby chasers, take note.

More video content is uploaded to YouTube in a sixty day period than the three major U.S. television networks created in sixty years. However, when you take out videos including cats, it come out about even.

Pitchers and catchers reported this week. But enough about Justin Bieber fans. (Rimshot)

Three Bad Strip Club Names
-Flaming Lips
-The “Before” Picture
-Week Old Sushi

Late Night In The Afternoon 2/12

Sat, 12 Feb 2011 16:22:55 -0800

The Steelers lost. The Cavaliers finally won. The only way this week could get any better for Cleveland fans is if LeBitch blows out his knee in Boston.

Arnold Schwarzenneger says he is returning to acting. Just when Californians thought he couldn’t do any more damage.

The World Health Organization says that alcohol kills more people every year than violence, tuberculosis, and even more than HIV. In fact, the only three things that kill more people than alcohol are Denny’s Lumberjack Slam breakfasts, carpools with Lindsay Lohan, and parties at Charlie Sheen’s house.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy declared Thursday that multiculturalism had failed. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi agreed, saying that form now on he would only nail pre-bred Italian teenagers.

A new study says that overweight kids who exercise improved both their thinking and math skills. In fact, the study showed that after an hour of exercise most of them figured out how to cram 63% more Twinkies and bacon down their throats.

A recent marijuana study reveals that men who smoke it regularly have less of a sex drive than men who do not. In a related story, The National Association Of Wives issued a statement fully supporting the legalization of marijuana.

The Chinese government says it will begin turning its obsolete public phone booths into Wi-Fi hotspots. Superman is considering a lawsuit, saying it raises his chances of a tumor. OR Analysts say that with that much radiation, there’s a danger of thousand of Chinese Hulk’s being created.

A spokesman for the California Highway Patrol says CHP officers are stepping up their pursuit of drivers who violate the state’s cellphone law. They’ll still look the other way for drug smuggling and drive-by gang shootings, as long as you’re not Tweeting while it happens.

Canada returned to having a trade surplus in December. Financial analysts were surprised, with one saying “Man, who knew the rest of the world needed that much Maple Syrup?”

Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 42nd birthday this week. Once again she didn’t show up at the party I threw for her in room 217 of the Airport Ramada. So now I’m stuck for the $42.50 for that three hour room rental. Pretty rude Jen. Pretty rude.

I find it entertaining that many of those fawning on Facebook/Twitter over Egypt’s successful protests are the same people who very recently were spouting off about how “People in The Middle East aren’t ready for Democracy, it won’t work there.” Not a judgement, just an observation.

Tennis news: Petra Kvitova of the Czech Republic reached the final of the Paris Open. Men everywhere were heard to ask “Is that the really hot one?”

The Mayor of Bell, California says death threats over the recent pay scandal in the city keep him from attending City Council meetings. That, and the meetings are always held at the same time as Dancing With The Stars.

Three Bad Pole Dancing Songs: 1 - My Name Is Luka
2 - Frosty The Snowman
3 - Theme Song From “The Facts Of Life”